I’m a heavy smoker and I hate it, I’ve enjoyed smoking for many years but I hate the fact that I do it and even more so now that I have kids.
Smoking is a crap habit, it wastes my money, it ruins my health and it jeapordises the future of my family.
I have had relatives die of cancer, I have a history of high blood pressure and heart related bad stuff in my family… is it worth tempting fate?
I just went onto google to go and have a look at images of lung cancer and nearly puked up, it is a very scary thought to die a horrible painful death, it’s a worse thought for my wife and kids to have to watch that.
For years I’ve had a love affair with smoking, it has been my crutch and also my burden, it’s given me space to think and be creative but what benefit is creativity at the expense of death. Seems to me that there’s actually no point if you look at it honestly…
My three year old daughter is shit scared of the fact that I smoke and that it could kill me, I’m scared that it could kill me, I’m also scared of the fact that if I stop smoking I could die of lung cancer anyway so why bother.
Today I haven’t smoked, hearing my daughter on the phone asking if I had been smoking is a potent thing, I don’t want to let her down, Caroline hasn’t smoked since she got pregnant and she also nags me on a day to day basis.
It’s time for it to stop. I know I have uttered words to do with stopping before, I just hope that this time I manage to keep it going…
Don’t watch this video if you are of weak stomach but if you smoke, time to wake up and smell the coffee, we are not just killing ourselves but the people around us to…
How many times have you thought, “Wow… what a great idea, I must put that on my to-do list?” but have never followed through? I wrote a while back about maintaining focus and I guess this ties in a little bit and definitely follows on, this is the topic of “Pulling the trigger”.
After putting on The Highland Fling 2008 - The browser and beyond, I knew that I had to write a post about how wonderful the day was and how much it meant to me but I also knew I wanted to write something other than a carbon copy of what people were expecting.
Back in 2006 when I had the concept for doing the conference it scared the crap out of me, it was something that I had never done before, it was outside fo my comfort zone but I still went ahead and did it. I pulled the trigger!
Many times since I started working for myself I have had ideas rush past me and I have never acted upon them, I didn’t pull the trigger, I didn’t reap the benefits from pulling the trigger either. Although I don’t regret much in my life I do regret not having acted on a lot that has been on my mind, that said there is still a lot there which I do plan on acting on.
I was once told that an idea means nothing unless it has been put on paper, recorded in some shape or form otherwise it will be forgotten. Very wise words indeed. I envy designers and their fascinating mood boards, I miss the frenzy of a brainstorm in an agency environment and I wish I kept a digital scrap book to act as my idea sponge. I think it is really important to find a way of storing these waves of ideas that rush over us, a net for catching all the cool thoughts we have. I’d maintain a wiki but they bore me and to be honest I find them confusing as they grow arms and legs and then before you know it they have turned into a monster.
The Highland Fling was set up to help inspire people, to bring together like minded people and help them forge new ideas, relationships and plans for moving forward in what they do every day. I have encountered a wide variety of hurdles in doing the event but I have always done my best to get over them and move on. To do this I had to decide on what I wanted to do about it and pull the trigger!
Pulling the trigger is a final act, once you’ve done it you have commited (hopefully not an act of homicide), you’ve made a final decision, you’ve said to yourself that you are going to do something and you’ve crossed the line, there should be no turning back.
Perhaps this article is not really my follow up to the conference, I’ve been a very busy man over the past three years and I’m wondering if this is an introspective look at where and when I pull the trigger.
To be honest I think I have using a sub machine gun of late, I organised The Highland Fling whilst working on contract and dealing with my own clients at night, having house rennovations done and to top it all off I got married 3 weeks ago on Friday and I’m now down in London contracting.
Pulling the trigger? I think I just fired a cannon!
One thing that I’ve realised of late is one of the reasons I haven’t been blogging much, I fell into a trap where I felt I should be writing about certain things instead of just being myself. I presented myself with a mental hurdle which prevented me from writing about whatever came into my mind, free thoughts for the public.
I’m glad I’m over that hurdle now and look forward to pulling the trigger on a more regular basis.
The world is a crazy place, fast moving, high intensity, non stop action for all of us but do any of you actually know what is going on? I have been working away from home for the last 2 weeks and have had a little time to step back and take a look at the chaos that ensues around me, and chaos it is… especially in the big smoke that is London.
Blistering heat, commuting and agency life are some of the things that I have had to deal with on a day to day basis which is the complete opposite from normal. For the last 2 years I have sat in the cave that is my office, devising my plans for world domination and trying to make a bit of cold hard cash but now I am out in the open and taking deep breaths of life.
Fat men on motorcycles, pushers crying “BUY WEED”, hostile beggars, tens of thousands of flip flops, sweaty undergrounds full of nobody talking. A far cry from my cave!
So what is going on? I read 3 papers a day just now, I think they hand them out for free just to try and switch us on to things we don’t really care about, or are they trying to tune us into what they want us to think? A potent question. I like the concept in the film Pi where patterns can be found anywhere and that there is order to chaos, it’s all in the numbers.
The cool thing about the film is all the religious connotations when a Jewish mathematician gets involved as he is also looking for answers through numerology and number sequences in The Torah. It ties in with a book I read a long time ago called The Bible Code which is essentially all about the original Hebrew text version of the Bible being like a giant word search that contains everything that has been, is and could be.
I am not a very religious man but have enjoyed a good few conversations about the chaos that is life and where we are from, where we are going, what’s going on…
Ever since getting Sky HD, I have been watching loads of programs about the physical aspects of biblical topics, real life tie ins with what I have been told over the years. I find it fascinating to see evidence to substantiate these stories of great things, conquests, sacrifice and mystery.
I had a conversation the other day about all of this and Paulo put it in one of the most amazing ways I have ever heard. He placed a big box of wine on the table in between us and said “This is religion”. At first I thought he was taking the piss but then he went on to say that no matter which way it is looked at, nobody can ever have exactly the same perspective of it. Even when the box was turned so that I was looking at what he had been looking at and he vice versa, there was still no way that we were seeing what the other had seen. Such a simple but clear way of putting it.
We talked about the universe working on different frequencies and that we are just antennae picking up signals, we talked about M-Theory and Multiverses, I played devils advocate and brought up aliens… A really enjoyable and deep conversation, the type of conversation that I miss having now that I work so much and don’t really get out.
So, the rat race is on, I don’t think any of us really know what is going on, we all struggle day to day to get by, some of us believe what we are told, some of us think outside the box, some of us give up and kill ourselves, most of us strive for something, some of us couldn’t care less.
For me, I have a family to look after now, my life got difficult but having a family made it a lot more simple, I have focus, I have written before about maintaining focus which is another topic but it does cut out the crap in your life and allows you to just get on with it.
Unfortunately I consider myself to think outside the box, so although I think I know what is going on, I know I am probably wrong and that there is so much more out there to discover…
I’ll keep you informed should I find any answers but until then, if you think you know what is going on then please do share…
It gives me great pleasure to announce that on the 25th of April 2008, I married Caroline Simpson, the girl of my dreams. We are now Mr and Mrs White!
Kudos to Roan for the cool pic, you can see a few more pictures over at his flickr page . I’m planning to set up a dedicated site for stuff to do with the wedding so watch this space.
Here’s to my beautiful wife and our future together!
This morning I sat down to answer some comments on the site and ended up having quite an amusing conversation with my friend Nick. To give you some background he was tossing a coin at his end of MSN a while ago and saying heads or tails, needless to say I whipped him at a game of Scissors, Paper, Stone… Check it out:
the fox says: rock paper scissors
the fox says: ready
the fox says: paper
Alan says: i won the coin toss so you sure you want to play me
the fox says: yes
the fox says: that was one test of skill
the fox says: there are many
the fox says: you say go
Alan says:go
the fox says: or 3 2 1?
the fox says: rock
Alan says: paper
the fox says: see
Alan says: I win
Alan says: go
the fox says: that’s why the internet
the fox says: go
Alan says: go
the fox says: scissors
Alan says: stone
Alan says: I win
the fox says: this proves my argument
Alan says: go
the fox says: life/time/any delay in communication involves an answer and a reply
Alan says: go ffs or are you scared
the fox says: you have to beat me, if I let you
the fox says: scared? I could kill you with an axe, IM not scared
Life… what a broad topic, there are many aspects to it and maybe I will cover them all one day but the one I want to cover just now is maintaining focus. Over the last few months I have been a very busy man and this is a topic that is very close to my heart as it is not an easy task. How do you balance the equilibrium of life and also maintain focus? How do you make sure you do what you are supposed to do on all fronts, who do you turn to for support how do you know if you are going in the right directions?
I recently discovered an energy drink called Relentless and I love their ethos and taglines…
It’s goodbye to the shortcuts, Hello to the grind.
Nobody ever said it would be and easy ride. Suffer for your art.
Words that have rung hard in my ears quite heavily over the past few months. Last year I got made redundant which was a bit of a blow, first thing I did when I found out was hit the pub and started smoking again, but what I have done since then I am very proud of.
Things I have acheived… (the pros)
Become my own boss
Been around a lot more to see the kids growing up… but not as much as I would like!
Asserted myself
Maintained a positive attitude in the face of adversity
Run the first web standards conference in Scotland which I hope has helped a lot of people besides myself
Built my own office
Gained the respect of clients who I now work with on a regular basis
Contracted up and down the country
Helped people bring their businesses online and nurtured their understanding of the web
Made some reallygoodfriends. The are more of you out there and I apologise for not adding you here but I am going to dedicate a post to friends very shortly… my apologies in the short term.
Some things I haven’t done
Spent as much time with the famlily as I would like
Gone home to see my friends more regularly… I moved 150 miles away 2 years ago.
Not blogged as much as I want to and let you guys down
Created a rainy day fund
Done up the rest of the house
My own business web site redesign
Tied up some loose ends I know I should have
Paid the bloody council tax when I should have
Tidied up properly when I moved into my office
Attend the 3rd @media conference (which I am still bummed about)
So… by now you might get an idea of how hectic my life has been, it hasn’t been easy but somehow I have managed to drive through it all. I’m not going to lie, some of it has been hard, some of it has been down right fun… most of it has been a combination of both but in order to survive, I have to maintain focus, set goals and strive for them.
How do you maintain focus? How do you set your goals?
I am in the process of trying to decide where I want to be going, I know that now I am (dare I say) established in what I do work wise, I need make sure I keep that going. Without work I cannot function and I guess this is where my dilema lies but where I also believe my solution is staring at me.
To have a true balance in my focus, I need to remember who I am and the things in life that enjoy.
Balance at work
I want to settle into a 9 to 5 routine with work, to do this I need to fine tune my business model, calander, working days and make sure that I make the time to do this in my schedule whilst keeping clients happy.
My problem is that there is always something that needs done, client work is not the only thing you do in business, I have my own projects that I want to get off the ground beyond my client work.. This blog for example used to be a key part of my online presence… in fact… it is my presence, it has been my heart and soul for the last couple of years and will continue to be.
The number one rule I am learning is that time waits for no man… be it’s master!.
I think something that is key and another valuable lesson that I am slowly learning is that switching off completely can be a very good thing and is something I plan to do a lot more of.
It’s goodbye to the shortcuts, Hello to the grind.
Nobody ever said it would be and easy ride. Suffer for your art.
I stand by this quote and this ethos but I am looking forward to embracing the other side of my life a little more.
Balance at home
Since I began working from home I have been a bit of a hermitt, not just to the outside world but also from my family to an extent, I POP over to read what Matt Brett is getting up to now and again and he seems to have the work / family thing dialed.
I became a step parent nearly 5 years ago now and it has not been the easiest of jobs, I have chosen not to write about the negatives in the past because they are not important, it is the good times that are. Part of the reason I continue to work from home is that I get to spend time (however limited) with the kids even if sometimes it can be heated.
Caroline is nearly finished training as a recruitment consultant and since she has been out at work, I have taken the role of errr… working house bloke… general all round batter, try to the best I can do. I personally think I am not doing too bad a job, I get Elsie to nursery in the mornings, pick her up at night and try to make sure we get to play on the swings on the way home. Charlotte is a slightly different kettle of fish, sometimes we get on fine (and I know there is more there) and sometimes we fight.
I guess when it comes to Charlotte I will be the enemy for at least another 10 years, I don’t know why but I am quite stern with her, I don’t think that is a bad thing to be honest but it has to be counter balanced with the good times. The look on her face when she succeeded at waterskiing was timeless and I want to see more looks like that, I want to take care of the work side so that ultimately I can do more fun things where I can actually be looked up to and asked for help.
Balance in heart
I have to give Caroline a special mention here as she is the other half of me, we work so bloody hard at the moment that we never really get that much time together and I miss it dearly, I know she does too. It is so easy to get get caught up in a routine and forget to take yourselves out of it, this one of my new primary goals… spend more time with the woman I am going to spend the rest of my life with!
It isn’t easy moving away from your friends to a strange city, buying a house in a town where you know anybody, doing nothing other than working, eating and mostly dealing with cabin fever. Don’t get me wrong, I have made some good friends as I have said earlier but we are somewhat missing the baby sitter network we once had so we don’t get out much any more and we are both quite social creatures.
I love the girl to bits and it is about time I showed her I am as passionate about her as I am about all the other things I get up to.
Balance for me
Work, my kids and the love of my life are the most important things in the world to me and if all the things I have talked about happen then I will be a happy man… but what about the selfish side?
In order for anyone to survive and be happy in life they need to do things that they enjoy, their personal hobbies and goals that they keep to that make them who they are. I have been playing EVE Online to unwind at nights but want something more, I want to take up a hobby that gets me out the house, keeps me fit, makes me friends and gives me something to do outside of work and family.
As you all know I am into my martial arts so have decided to go back to Judo, I was a green belt years ago and used to fight in competitions on a regular basis and did quite well. I like the idea of going back because it is a sport and not just combat, I will get a chance to compete at something again and get healthy in the process. Now that sounds constructive.
It’s goodbye to the shortcuts, Hello to the grind.
Nobody ever said it would be and easy ride. Suffer for your art.
I quote these words one more time in closure, I have talked about many aspects of my life in this article but they all hark back to maintaining focus. I like my life, I like the people around me, I miss the people that are no longer in my life on a daily basis but I look forward to the future.
By maintaining focus, anything is possible, it’s time to reach out and grab the future with both hands and see where it takes me, I hope you’ll continue to join me for the ride…
I just watched a rather disturbing documentary on BBC 4 about the connections between U.S. Congress, U.S. Military, War industry, Think Tanks and so on and so forth… I know I’m probably late to the party here and I don’t usually swear on my blog but holy shit did they fuck up! Man I struggle to come to grips with how they are actually allowed to get away with stuff like that? Fabricating absolutely everything, manipulating not just a country of innocent civilians but the whole world into believing / not giving them any other options other than to go to war…
I’m not that much into politics because I don’t trust the people involved, I know there are some out there that really do care and really do actually give a crap about humans but generally I think they are all out for themselves. I am no expert though and try to steer clear of it where possible. I know some folk would say that I am stupid too, and quite frankly I agree, at the end of the documentary there was an ex-military officer basically answering the question of why we fight and her answer was this…
Because not enough people stand up and say no I am not doing this…
I know that the world pretty much marched against the war and they were right to do so but I think her answer was directed towards the peopl ein the military and associated industries. She pretty much quit because she was being made to swallow lies as part of her job and she had a conflicts of interests so she removed herself from the equation.
Now, I am too young to know first hand about the Vietnam war, I have not had the unfortunate pleasure of being asked to serve my country and I’ve always had respect for Muhammad Ali, what I watched tonight solidified what was already a solid character. He stood up and said no I will not fight. Good man!
I lead a pretty hectic life, I work hard, I try to play hard, try to make ends meet, try to build myself and family a secure environment and something of a future. That is how and why I fight. I believe that most of us are the same, trying to get by, minding our own business, I don’t condone any terrorist action at all, it is the wrong way to do things, innocents die but George Bush is a maniac, I am not surprised folk want to get their own back on him. He infringes on the lives of the people that were minding their own business. It’s just a shame that capitalism holds so much weight… what kind of people does it make us?
There is a really interesting story in the documentary from a Vietnam veteran who lost his son in the world trade centre bombings, when he heard the stories of Saddam being responsible and that they were going to war he was all up for it. He even went as far as to write an email asking them to put his sons name on a bomb, later on in the program he finds out about the lies and the deceipt from George Bush and feels betrayed and lied to. Should one of the most powerful men in the world be allowed to do that sort of shit??? Blatantly lie so he can make money and kill innocent people? Lie so that he can occupy? Lie so he can conquer?
I was busy the other day coding some templates (as I do) and I had the news on in the background for a change. Bush managed to shock and awe me (excuse the bad joke… you know me!) by announcing more plans of crazy dominations with some defence system in Europe, I was stunned to find out minutes later that Russia had decided to point missiles at Europe in response. That can’t be right? Maniac on the loose from America… errr… shoot Europe? These guys are fucking bonkers! They need their balls cut off or something like cats get when they get too rowdy.
I don’t have time for these megalomaniacs, I have trouble getting an extra bin from local council… There are weapons of mass distruction in my house and they come in the form of children!
Anyway… I digress.
There are a lot of good people in this world, people fight for what they think is right on a daily basis, people fight for fun, some fight for glory, some fight because it is all they know. As some of you know I am a big fan of martial arts so like to fight physically because I love the science and the art behind it. Why do you fight? Have you ever had a fight? Have you ever won a fight? How did that make you feel? I have never been political on this blog but I am curious, I am a people person so I would love to hear your thoughts, oh and on a final note, I just found the documentary in 4 parts on youtube so I have included them below.
I really hope you take the time to watch these as they are worth watching. I’ll be back very soon with some more writings…
Holy cow! I was just over at Subsector and found a juicy as hell snippet of information that has just made my day. As if EVE Online is not good enough already, it looks like they are going to allow you to leave your ship and walk about space stations in the not too distant future. I have to say this is a really interesting development and you can watch the video over at Ten Ton Hammer.
Eve online is a game of truely epic proportions and it looks like the size went epic+1… That’s big in my book!
Okay, so I was working yesterday and as per usual I heard almighty thumps coming from upstairs. This is not an unusual thing because my daughter, although small has apparently got the mass of 4 galaxies combined with 200 elephants and a couple of tanks and has a tendancy to bang at every opportunity she gets. So what was different about this occasion? On going through to the bottom of my stairs to have my standard moan at her and her friend she emerges from my bedroom to say “What?”. I ask her what the hell she is up in to my my room with her friend to which she replies…
We’re playing badminton!
I have seen many things in my time but this one took the biscuit… Perhaps I should try it if I ever get some leisure time.
Ever found yourself on the verge of meltdown? Holy cow! I have been a busy man of late and life is good, as some of you might know I have been busy organising a web standards conference in Edinburgh but on top of that I have been working my day job and freelancing at night. OUCH!
Well I am quite happy, I just launched phase #1 of quite a big site I have been working on which is a relief. Now onto phase 2 I guess but for now I am enjoying half a night off and figured it was time to say hello. So what have I been up to other than that?
I read “The Taking” by Dean Koontz on the train to work which was awesome
I’ve formed a hatred for commuting during rush hour
Made lots of new friends and contacts in the web development industry
I have played a major part in 4 different web projects outside of work
Avoided Twitter
Missed writing on here on a regular basis
Managed to preach web standards at work to a certain degree of success
I’ve written several partial posts that haven’t made it to the site yet.
I’ve not managed to get to bed before 1am since the new year due to work and the likes
Almost learned to multitask (not good though as Caz says I am now half woman)
I’ve enjoyed life to the full
Oh yeah… Elsie has successfully poo’d on her own for the first time so I guess I have played my part in potty training too
What have you been up to? How do you unwind? I think my eyes have gone square and fuzzy since the beginning of the year, I don’t mind because I am doing something that I believe in and hopefully not just myself will benefit. The good news is that the conference is being well received and all of the early bird tickets are now sold so onto the next batch…
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